There's a beautiful phrase that's often suggested for relating to kids these days, "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" I use variations on it for people of all ages! Figuring out, when someone has shared something tender, whether they are seeking advice, witness, or support is so useful. I love this aspect of our growing cultural emotional wisdom around consent. Another that I love is seeking consent for conversational topics, which I learned from my friend Elle Oura.
Six years ago I asked Elle, who I'd been friendly with for many years, if she'd be interested in developing a committed friendship with me. I was an odd candidate for friendship at the time: James and I had sailed our boat to Mexico and I was only working a few months a year, so I had a tremendous capacity to be present, but since my location was variable, my presence could only be online. Happily, Elle Oura was interested in this kind of connection and we've been discussing life just about every day ever since.
Elle is a little younger than I am, a millennial to my gen x, and as an adult she's mostly lived in Portland where I've mostly been in San Francisco, so she's from a slightly different subculture than I. When we first began to talk a lot there was something about her conversational style that caught my attention: she kept asking if it was okay to talk to me about things. I found this confusing. I'd never had a friend ask permission to tell me things! This seeking of consent felt a little off-putting: did she think I wouldn't want to hear her thoughts or feelings?
With time I have come to cherish conversational consent. Normalizing the ability to choose when and how to engage with bigger conversational topics is so thoughtful. It was also incredibly useful to me in my marriage, which had gone from close to 20 years in which James and I saw each other very little during the week due to different work schedules to a life in which we were rarely more than a few feet apart on a boat. Learning to check in to see if James was open to conversation was such a kindness while living in very close quarters. Being more intentional and consent-oriented in conversation has deepened of intimacy, trust, and connection in all of my relationships.
Online conversations are a great example: who hasn't had someone drop something via text at a terribly awkward moment? We usually have no idea what the other person's circumstance is when speaking online! Are they standing in line at the grocery store, curled up on the couch, sneaking a peek during a meeting, or in the middle of a difficult conversation with someone else? Taking a moment to check in before launching into a deeper conversation feels so loving and attentive: "Hey, I am trying on some ideas about my next workshop that I'm excited about. I would love to run them by you sometime! I wonder if now is a good time for that?"
These days James and I both work from our rural home. We're usually both at home and each deeply engaged in something. He's having meetings online, collaborating on complex plans via instant message, writing code; I'm having people to the temple or Zoom for yoga, meditation, counsel, and bodywork. All kinds of things are happening for each of us while we're at home together! Checking in before launching into conversation during the work week shows respect and consideration for the each person's private internal process and living.
I love how it feels when I am asked about my interest, capacity, and willingness to engage: I feel cared for, attended to. It feels good to verbally affirm my interest and willingness when I can! It also feels caring for both me and the other person when it's best to say, "That is important to me. I want to talk about that. I'm pretty tired; could we come back to that in the morning?" When I am in the role of asking for consent, it makes me more conscientious – it slows my roll, and for me as a very verbal person, that's great. I used to be prone to overcommunicating, and these habits have helped me become a more considerate conversation partner and friend, more intentional in general in my relationships. Seeking consent can draw us forward, too; on a tender topic that we might be hesitant to bring up, it's an easier thing, to just open the door, state the interest, see if there is a shared willingness to talk than to begin the actual conversation.
This is useful for all of us in this moment. We're all living through something tremendously painful which we need to compartmentalize in order to carry on with our daily living. Folks in the spaces I hold say frequently that they are hesitant to mention world-grief because they don't want to upset others – we worry about popping someone else's compartmentalization/normalcy bubble. This is kind and reasonable, but can make it hard to ever find a time to talk about the world-grief. And we need to talk about it sometimes! Asking makes a simple bridge. "I've been feeling a lot about the world. I wonder if that's something you are open to talking about?" or "I would like to find a time where we can discuss (xyz). Could we talk about when that might happen?" could be useful for different relationships/situations.
Enquiry can be a lovely way to express willingness or need in a non-time-sensitive way, also, to plant a seed for something that might come later: "Hey, I've been holding you and your mom in my heart. I know that her health is a tender topic for you, so I want to take care. Would you like to plan a call/time to take a walk to talk about that?" or "I've been struggling with (thing) and I wonder if that's something you'd be comfortable supporting me with. Do you think we could plan a time to chat, or would it be better for me to reach out to another friend on this one?"
For a long time, I said that I thought it was important in relationship to express unconditional love and exquisitely clear boundaries. What I've found in recent years is that "boundaries" is simply a social shorthand for the expression of needs and limits, and nurturing expression is the vital way there. Expressing this just as "boundaries" can sound disconnective; expressing the same thing as "communicating about needs and limits" feels connective. Lately I've been saying, "Unconditional love, clear communication, and excellent boundaries."
Consent is a beautiful aspect of clear communication; I see it as the expression of the friendly curiosity I cherish it so much in all things expressing itself in relationship: to wonder, to ask, together.
Love,
Dahlia
Resources
Stellar Conjunction
Venus and Jupiter, the two brightest bodies in the night sky, are pretty close right now, and growing closer; they'll reach their closest point next Monday and Tuesday. You can see them by looking west after sunset, during twilight, and you can learn more about this from the wonderful folks at EarthSky.
A Different Lens on Meditation
"A little over a week ago, I came across a fascinating detail about Kobe Bryant’s daily routine: Every morning, he would sit alone in silence for at least 15 minutes and let his thoughts wash over him." is the opening of Elise Devlin's piece on trying meditation for a week for The Athletic. I was fascinated to read about meditation in a sports context! I wonder who in your life might appreciate this lens? Thanks to Kirsten
Reclaiming Your Attention
A 2025 study published in PNAS Nexus showed that the cognitive decline associated with internet use (short-form videos are especially bad) was alleviated with brief periods of abstention. Here it is: "Blocking mobile internet on smartphones improves sustained attention, mental health, and subjective well-being" and here's an article about it if you'd prefer a narrative approach. "This detox may erase 10 years of social media brain damage, researchers say". If you're struggling to do that with intention and willpower alone, some tools designed to support limiting internet use are the Brick device, the Focus Friend app, and the Freedom app. I've been wondering about running another round of my Reclaiming Your Attention workshop where we focus on this; drop me a line if that's one you'd be interested in at some point!
Resistance
It now looks like the 1.8 billion dollar anti-weaponization fund is headed for the dumpster like so of the efforts of this administration, but perhaps you'll still enjoy this resource, which made me grin: The folks behind FORM WTAF-86-47 are applying en masse to the fund, on paper, by mail, directly to the Acting Attorney General of the United States. Their goal is to gum up the works. The form and the action are hilarious and serious. They say (emphasis mine), "This is not a joke. It is a satirical protest document — and the satire is intentional. Humor gives people a way to stay engaged when outrage becomes exhausting. It lowers fear, builds connection, spreads quickly, and makes authoritarian absurdity look exactly as ridiculous as it is. The humor is the delivery system. The grievance is real." An uplifting read whether you send it or not. Thanks to Jess Craven
Last week I shared that I was attending the Union of Concerned Scientists' online training for commenting against plutonium pit mines. I have done so, and while I love UCS, that meeting could have been an email! You can read about it the issue here. Here is a great, simple doc on how you can make an effective public comment; commenting is open until July 16. Not a fan of nuclear war? Not a fan of nuclear waste? It's easy to speak up!
Here's the doc where I collect resistance options if you want more!
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